Sephirothland
by Carbuncle
Summary: The party go to Sephirothland: the craziest place on earth! Do YOU want to go to Sephirothland too?! Yes? Then come on in - everyone's invited! Enter now to receive a free ice-cream!


FINAL FANTASY VII  
  
Sephirothland  
  
(open to the 7th Heaven basement. Tifa and Barrett are talking there)  
Barrett: Jesus, are you sure?!  
Tifa: Uh huh. We've got over 10,000 gil here. Business has really been on the up lately.  
Barrett: Hmm... yeah, but I wonder why...  
Tifa: Uh...  
  
(cut to 7th Heaven. Aeris is dancing on the table in her underwear. Lots of horny men are watching her. One of them slips her 50 gil)  
Aeris: He he! Thank you, sir!  
Horny Man: (drools) No problem, Ms. Aeris.  
  
(cut back to the 7th Heaven basement)  
Barrett: Well, wit' all this money I can finally afford to send Marlene to private school.  
Tifa: Barrett, we haven't seen this much money in a long while. I don't think we should waste it all on useless causes like education for your daughter.  
Barrett: So what do YOU wanna do wit' it?  
Tifa: I don't know. I haven't figured it out yet. Maybe we could put it in the bank for a while.  
Barrett: (snort) Yeah, right!  
(Barrett leaves the basement. Tifa sits down and turns on the TV)  
  
(cut to a commercial on the TV screen. The word "Sephirothland" is highlighted in big letters)  
Announcer: Callin' one, callin' all - open your freakin' ears this instant and listen to me! Come to Sephirothland: the craziest place on earth! Enjoy all our hair-raisin' rides!  
(a rollercoaster comes up on the screen. It swerves up and down along a scary looking track. People who are on the ride scream)  
Announcer: Eat our ice cold ice-creams!  
(two people each holding grey coloured ice-creams appear on the screen. They take a bite into their ice-creams which cause their teeth to fall out)  
Announcer: Waste your hard earned cash in our worthless gift stores!  
(a person who looks like Zell Dincht buys a novelty masamune sword)  
Announcer: Or just sit back, relax and take in the wonders of our beautiful surroundings in... Sephirothland!!  
(three familiar looking friends appear on the screen)  
Friend #2: Whoo-hoo! We looove Sephirothland, man!  
Friend #1: Joey's right! Come to Sephirothland!  
Friend #3: You tell 'em, Chandler!  
Announcer: (quickly and quietly) Sephirothland cannot be held accountable for any deaths that should happen on campus. Sephiroth, son of Jenova, has no influence over the quality of Sephirothland. Sephirothland and all its related trademarks are the property of Squaresoft.  
  
(cut back to Tifa on the couch)  
Tifa: Wow! Sephirothland! Of course!  
(she runs off)  
Tifa: (offscreen) Y'guys, pack your bags! We're going to Sephirothland!  
  
(cut to Sephirothland. The entire party all arrive through the front gate)  
Tifa: Goodness! This place looks amazing!  
Aeris: Ooh! Can we go on the rollercoaster first?!  
Cloud: I wanna ride the 59er. That sounds like the coolest ride here!  
Barrett: (shouting) Calm down, fools! Y'all actin' like a couple of kids!  
Cloud: ...  
Tifa: ...  
Aeris: ...  
Barrett: Awright. Let's get some order here first, shall we?  
Cloud: ...  
Tifa: ...  
Aeris: ...Can we go on the rollercoaster first?!  
Cloud: I wanna ride the 59er!  
Barrett: Shu' up!!  
Tifa: Hmm... I don't think this's gonna work with ALL of us going off together. How about we split up instead and meet back here later?  
Cloud: Yeah. I agree.  
Tifa: We can split up into pairs... That'll be better for everyone.  
Cloud: But how're we gonna figure out who goes with who?  
Tifa: Hmm... Barrett and Cid, you two should go together because you're both alcoholics.  
Barrett: We're NOT alcoholics!  
Cid: Yeah, we just like to drink beer!  
Tifa: Okay, um, next we'll have Cait Sith and Red XIII pair off because you're both unusual creatures.  
Cait Sith: I resent being called a 'creature', ma'am.  
Red XIII: Yes. So do I.  
Tifa: Whatever! Yuffie and Vincent, you two can stay together because... (she winks at Yuffie and Vincent) He he!  
Yuffie: Eh?!  
Vincent: I am NOT a child molestor, all right?!  
Tifa: Now then, that just leaves Cloud and myself. We'll all meet up here at (checks her watch) 1600hrs. See you later!  
(they all start to walk off in different directions)  
Aeris: (clears her throat) Excuse me?!  
Tifa: Huh? (turns around) Oh Aeris, I forgot all about you.  
Aeris: I don't have a partner!  
Tifa: Uh...  
Cloud: Its okay. Aeris can come with us, right Tifa?  
Tifa: I guess. I see no problem with that.  
Cloud: Yeah, we'll have a great time!  
Tifa: Okay then. Aeris, you can come with me and Cloud.  
Aeris: Hurray! We're all gonna have a ball today!  
  
(cut to the rollercoaster. Cloud, Tifa and Aeris approach the ride)  
Aeris: Hey, there's no line!  
Cloud: I wonder why... Eh, lets ride it anyway.  
Tifa: Are you sure? If there's no line then that could mean there's some kind of fault with this ride...  
Cloud: I doubt it.  
Aeris: C'mon guys!  
(they all get into the rollercoaster. The rollercoaster operator appears)  
Rollercoaster Operator: Keep your hands and legs inside the cart at all times. Do not try to wriggle free from the ride once it has begun moving. Oh, and please enjoy yourselves.  
(the ride starts up)  
Aeris: Wheee!  
(the rollercoaster begins to climb up the high ramp to the top of the track)  
Cloud: Pretty sweet, huh girls?  
Tifa: I have a bad feeling about this...  
Cloud: Don't worry, Tifa. I'm here to protect you if anything were to go wrong.  
(the rollercoaster reaches the top of the track... then stops)  
Cloud: (pause) What just happened then?  
Tifa: Oh my gosh! I think the ride has gotten stuck!  
Aeris: Don't panic, you two. I'm sure this is just part of the suspense.  
(they wait for a while, but nothing happens)  
Aeris: ...Darn!  
  
(cut to the 59er. Barrett and Cid approach the ride)  
Cid: What the hell?! (reading the sign) Welcome to the 59er: the Ride of Your Life.  
Barrett: This mus' be the one Cloud was talkin' about.  
Cid: I ain't ridin' this piece of trash! Where's the airship based rides?!  
Barrett: Hell, I didn't come here today to do nuthin'! I'm gonna enjoy myself and get into the theme park spirit! C'mon Cid, lets try this damn ride!  
Cid: No way, numbskull. I'm gonna go get m'self some poontang.  
(Cid leaves)  
Barrett: Dammit! Well, I guess I'll go it alone then.  
(he waits in line)  
  
(cut to the waterslide. Cait Sith and Red XIII are waiting in line)  
Red XIII: I'm not sure about this, Cait Sith. I hope my fur doesn't get too wet.  
Cait Sith: Hey, I hate water too, y'know?!  
Red XIII: Then why did we decide to go on this ride?!  
Cait Sith: I-I thought YOU wanted to go on it!  
Red XIII: R-Really?! Well I thought YOU wanted to!  
Cait Sith: No! I didn't!  
Red XIII: Then lets get the hell out of here then!  
(they try to leave but the people behind won't budge)  
Nasty Man: Ay, yer not goin' anywhere, bub!  
Red XIII: B-But we don't want to ride it anymore!  
Cait Sith: Y-Yeah, you can take our place if you want!  
Nasty Man: Jus' get on the damn ride, fruitcake!  
Red XIII & Cait Sith: Ahh!  
(they are forced onto the ride. They climb into the rubber dingy and look down the dark tunnel of the waterslide)  
Cait Sith: S-Sure looks d-dark down there...  
Red XIII: Grandfather!  
(the waterslide operator pushes their dingy down the slide. They scream)  
  
(cut to the tunnel of love. Yuffie and Vincent are in line)  
Yuffie: Why the heck are we goin' on this love boat thingy anyway?!  
Vincent: I do not know. Probably because all the other rides are far too scary.  
Yuffie: Ya little wuss!  
(a boat with a Sephiroth figurehead emerges from the tunnel. The two people inside it get off. One of them looks familiar. It is Chris (the guy from my other stories))  
Chris: (to his partner) That was fun, wasn't it, babe?  
(his partner slaps him in the face and walks off)  
Chris: Damn! I failed again!  
(he leaves too. Yuffie and Vincent both get in the love boat. It floats off into the tunnel)  
  
(cut to the waterslide. A rubber dingy shoots out from the slide followed by Cait Sith and Red XIII, who had both fallen off inside the slide)  
Red XIII: Ergh! My fur is ruined!  
Cait Sith: So's mine! Hey... where's my stuffed moogle?  
(the stuffed moogle which Cait Sith rides on shoots out of the slide and lands on top of him and Red XIII)  
Red XIII: (from under the stuffed moogle) I hate my life!  
  
(cut to the rollercoaster. Cloud, Tifa and Aeris are still trapped on the top of the track)  
  
(cut to the 59er. Barrett is at the front of the line)  
Barrett: Finally!  
59er Operator: People, step forward please.  
(Barrett and a selection of people behind him all get into the ride)  
59er Operator: Okay everyone. Try to act limp.  
Barrett: (from inside the ride) Wha?!  
(the ride starts up. It swings around in a circle while everyone inside screams. It goes on like this for three minutes. Eventually the ride stops and everyone gets out. Some people throw up)  
Barrett: Urgh... (stumbles forward) I wanna go again!! I wanna go again!!  
(he runs back to queue up again)  
  
(cut to the kiddie airplane experience. Cid is riding it with a bunch of small children)  
Cid: Wheee! Isn't this fun, kids?!  
(the kids all giggle)  
  
(cut to the tunnel of love. Yuffie and Vincent are in the boat. Yuffie is fast asleep while Vincent is staring into the water)  
  
(cut to the rollercoaster. Cloud, Tifa and Aeris are still trapped on the top of the track)  
Aeris: Argh! I can't take this anymore! Why hasn't help arrived yet?!  
Cloud: They'll be here soon, Aeris. I'm sure.  
Aeris: But we're missing out on all the other rides!  
Cloud: My God, you're right! We have to get off this thing!  
Aeris: Don't worry, Cloud. I'm way ahead of you. I'll go down and send for help.  
Tifa: Aeris, no! It isn't safe! You should stay in the cart. Remember what the rollercoaster operator at the bottom said?  
Aeris: I'll be fine. You two wait here.  
(Aeris climbs out onto the track. She begins to walk back down to the ground)  
Tifa: Aeris, come back!  
Aeris: Relax Tifa! Just sit tight!  
(Aeris continues to descend. The cart starts to rumble)  
Cloud: Hey, what was that?  
Tifa: Oh shoot! The ride is starting up again! (shouting) Aeris, get out of the way!  
Aeris: (looking up) What?  
(the rollercoaster rolls forward. It shoots down the track and Aeris gets pulled underneath. Some blood and guts are coughed out from the back end of the rollercoaster)  
Tifa: Oh my God, we killed Aeris!  
Cloud: We're beasts!  
  
(cut to the gift store. Cid is wearing a Sephiroth wig. Cait Sith and Red XIII walk in)  
Cid: Oh, hey you two. Lookie what I got.  
Red XIII: Heh, it makes you look like a woman.  
Cait Sith: Why the heck did you buy a woman's wig, Cid?!  
Cid: You idiots! Its not a woman's wig! Its an official Sephiroth wig! You can buy his official cape here too, y'know?  
Cait Sith: Oh really? I gotta get me one of those!  
  
(cut to the tunnel of love. Yuffie and Vincent's boat emerges from the tunnel. Yuffie is still asleep)  
Vincent: Excuse me, but the ride is now over.  
Yuffie: Really? What a shame. I was havin' this great dream then... I think you were in it.  
Vincent: (impressed) I was?  
Yuffie: Yeah. You were handin' out free materia at a garage sale.  
Vincent: Oh. (sarcastically) How wonderful.  
Yuffie: C'mon, lets go find Cloud and the others.  
  
(cut to the front gate. Cloud and Tifa are there)  
Tifa: I hope everybody remembered the time.  
Cloud: Oh look. Here comes Yuffie and Vincent.  
(Yuffie and Vincent appear)  
Tifa: So, did you two have a nice time?  
Yuffie: Hardly. Where's everyone else?  
Cloud: They haven't arrived yet.  
Vincent: Where is the flower girl? Wasn't she with you?  
Cloud & Tifa: No!  
Vincent: Okay.  
(Cait Sith, Cid and Red XIII all appear beside them)  
Cid: Hey blockheads, we're back.  
Cloud: Great. Now the only person missin' is Barrett...  
Red XIII: What about Aeris? She isn't here either.  
Cloud & Tifa: We don't know!!  
Red XIII: Okay.  
Cloud: Aw, this is no good. One of us is gonna have to go back for Barrett.  
Tifa: (sigh) I'll go.  
Cid: Tell him to hurry up!  
  
(cut to the 59er. Barrett is still on the ride)  
Barrett: Woo-hoo!! This is the greatest ride in the world!  
(the ride stops and he gets off. Tifa is outside)  
Tifa: Barrett, there you are. C'mon, we're going home now.  
Barrett: I don't wanna! I wanna ride the 59er again!  
Tifa: You can't. We have to go.  
Barrett: But...!  
Tifa: No buts! We're outta here!  
(she drags him back towards the front gate)  
  
(cut to the front gate. The party are still there. Tifa drags Barrett over to them)  
Barrett: Say, where's Aeris?  
Cloud & Tifa: Who cares?!  
Cloud: Let's go home.  
Barrett: Man, thanks for bringin' us all here today, Tifa. This place was rad.  
Yuffie: No it wasn't. It sucked ass.  
Cloud: Yuffie?!  
Yuffie: Well I told you we should've went to Materialand!  
(everyone except Yuffie falls over)  
  
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THE END__________  
  
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End file.
